Ep 77. Navigating New Mom Grief
In this episode, I open up about my personal journey of coping with new mom grief. Here’s what I’ll be discussing:
- The challenges I faced after becoming a first-time mom and how I navigated the complex emotions of transitioning to this new phase of life.
- My experiences with denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately finding acceptance.
- The strategies I used to get to the acceptance phase of grief
If you are experiencing this, my hope is that through this episode, you know that you aren't alone and things can get better.
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Transcript
And so just having that shift in my thinking, not that I
Speaker:lost out on something. You know, it was, it was a
Speaker:loss. Right. We can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life
Speaker:that I enjoyed, but just because that phase of
Speaker:life is over, does not mean that this new phase can not be something beautiful
Speaker:as well. You are now tuned in to the mom
Speaker:CEO suite podcast. I'm your host, Phylicia,
Speaker:wife, mom, and entrepreneur. In this podcast, I'll be
Speaker:sharing my mompreneur journey along with strategies that will help you
Speaker:build your online business operations in a sustainable way.
Speaker:The goal is to help you build a business that fits into your lifestyle as
Speaker:a mom who values putting family first. We will also hear the
Speaker:experiences and expertise of other moms with service
Speaker:based businesses. You'll get a peek into our journeys so you'll
Speaker:know that you aren't alone. Motherhood gets hard.
Speaker:Entrepreneurship gets hard. But together we can
Speaker:do hard things. Welcome to the suite.
Speaker:Hey friends. Welcome to another episode. Thank you so much for being here. So
Speaker:today I'm talking about something a little bit differently.
Speaker:This is not a business episode. And if you've seen the title, you see
Speaker:the word grief in there, but I want to clarify a little bit, this is
Speaker:not a trigger warning or anything. I'm not talking about grief.
Speaker:From losing a loved one. I'm not talking about death. If that's
Speaker:something you were expecting, just wanted to clear that up. That's not what I'm talking
Speaker:about today. Um, but I am talking about a different type
Speaker:of grief. So grief really shows up
Speaker:for many different reasons and in lots of different
Speaker:ways. And so before I really start getting into this, I want to just give
Speaker:my disclaimer. That I am not a professional practitioner. I
Speaker:am not providing medical or mental health advice. I am just sharing my
Speaker:experience with this particular subject. Okay.
Speaker:So when I became a mom for the first time, everything that I saw
Speaker:online about motherhood. It was either talking about how
Speaker:beautiful it was, how it was such a blessing. Or it was
Speaker:talking about just how challenging and how hard it was,
Speaker:but those things did not articulate some of the feelings
Speaker:that I was having. Right. And so
Speaker:after some time, I realized that what
Speaker:I was feeling was grief. I was grieving my
Speaker:old life prior to motherhood. So I'm just going to kind of
Speaker:give you guys my, backstory a little bit, and just the
Speaker:circumstances around how all of this kind of transpire. And
Speaker:so. Way, but not way big, but December,
Speaker:2020 I found out I was pregnant. Okay. February
Speaker:20, 21, I moved to South Carolina.
Speaker:Okay. Now. It was not my plan to get
Speaker:pregnant. And I was originally planning
Speaker:to move down to South Carolina. My dad lives down there and I've
Speaker:been wanting to go. I had been wanting to go down there for a couple
Speaker:of years. Um, and I finally said, okay,
Speaker:January 20, 21, this is it. I'm moving to the
Speaker:Carolinas. I'm starting a new life there. Let's do it. And
Speaker:then. December of 2020. I found out what I was pregnant.
Speaker:And so I had to make the decision, do I. Not
Speaker:go to the Carolinas. You know, I didn't know if I would be able to
Speaker:move down there again, after I had my daughter. So I decided to
Speaker:just. Be in the Carolinas for my pregnancy and
Speaker:give birth to my daughter down there. Now at the time, my husband and I,
Speaker:we were not married. And so, I was still
Speaker:technically single. So I was just moving, moving like a single girl,
Speaker:right. So August, 2021, I gave birth to my
Speaker:daughter. And in may of
Speaker:2022. Moved to the DMV area
Speaker:with my nail husband. And we got married in August of
Speaker:2022. Okay. So all of this kind of
Speaker:happened very quickly. I got pregnant.
Speaker:Moved to South Carolina head. My daughter moved
Speaker:again to the DMV area. And then I
Speaker:got married. Right. And so. After
Speaker:we got married, we got back from the honeymoon and then we started settling
Speaker:into everyday life. All of the excitement of all of
Speaker:the things that was happening, it started to wear off. Right.
Speaker:And I had a new normal, and I struggled to
Speaker:adjust to it. I was away from my family and I
Speaker:have a large family. I have five siblings. I'm the
Speaker:second oldest. And, um, so I was away from my family who was a big
Speaker:support system for me. And I was in a new place where I
Speaker:had no friends or connections yet just my husband
Speaker:and my kids. Those were the only people that I knew. Um, we hit not
Speaker:yet found our church home. And I was newly married and I had a
Speaker:new baby. So it was a lot happening, a lot for me
Speaker:to adjust to. All at one time.
Speaker:Okay. Now before motherhood,
Speaker:I had the freedom to go wherever and
Speaker:whenever I chose to. you know, I could just pick up and go. I didn't
Speaker:have to think about anybody else. I didn't have to consider anybody else's
Speaker:schedule. It was just me. But then
Speaker:after motherhood, I was not able to do
Speaker:those things and it made me feel Bevery restricted
Speaker:and sometimes I felt sadness and sometimes I feel
Speaker:resentment. And at first, I didn't know why I was
Speaker:feeling the way that I did, but once I realized it was grief, it made
Speaker:sense to me. And now that I identified what it
Speaker:was, I could now take steps to get better or to feel better.
Speaker:All right. So before I share what I did to kind of get out of
Speaker:that phase, um, I want to talk a little bit. Just give you
Speaker:the stages of grief and. This is something
Speaker:my old therapist shared with me a long time ago. so
Speaker:I'm just going to share it here with you guys. So first is denial,
Speaker:right? And how this. How they showed up for me. I really
Speaker:was like, this can't be life right now. This can't be
Speaker:life because it was just like a shock. Of
Speaker:how different it was. Compared
Speaker:to life before motherhood and marriage. Right? So
Speaker:I was in a little bit of denial that. And then the next
Speaker:phase is anger. And, um,
Speaker:I was angry at myself for a little bit
Speaker:for my pregnancy circumstance. You know, I kind of told you guys in the
Speaker:beginning, It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I wasn't
Speaker:married yet. And I was literally
Speaker:planning to quote unquote, start this new chapter in my life.
Speaker:I ended up starting a new chapter, but it wasn't what I had in mind
Speaker:or what I was planning for. and then I also had some
Speaker:anger. Towards my husband. Because I
Speaker:felt like he just didn't understand what I was
Speaker:going through. Right. So it was denial.
Speaker:Anger. The next phase is bargaining. I'm not really sure how
Speaker:they showed up for me, but bargaining is really like, if you do
Speaker:this, I'll do this. So basically like negotiating in some way.
Speaker:I'm not sure how that really showed up for me. The next phase is
Speaker:depression. Now for me, I don't think I was
Speaker:like fully depressed or anything, but I definitely had moments where I would
Speaker:say it sometimes. Right. and then the final phase is
Speaker:acceptance. And that's where I'm at now. That's why I
Speaker:can talk about it now. Right? Because now I'm at a, a place.
Speaker:And my life where I have peace about my life and about
Speaker:motherhood and marriage. Right? So again, those
Speaker:five stages are denial, anger,
Speaker:bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I so
Speaker:now that I'm in the acceptance phase. I absolutely. I
Speaker:love being a mom. Not that I didn't love it before. It was just so
Speaker:new and so different. And I was experiencing that grief
Speaker:that I really couldn't be as present as I am now. Um,
Speaker:and things they're not perfect, but. What I talk
Speaker:about all the time. I have harmony. Okay.
Speaker:And now I'm in a place where I can say to others. I see you,
Speaker:your feelings are valid and things. Can change
Speaker:So, what are the things that I did to kind of get into this
Speaker:acceptance phase? So number one is
Speaker:prayer. Like I've talked about my faith here before,
Speaker:but. When it came to this topic, I, you know, it was
Speaker:not something that I like prayed very heavily
Speaker:or deeply on, or I didn't, I didn't even fast about it.
Speaker:But it was just simple prayers, like give me strength.
Speaker:Help me to be the wife and mom, you call me to be, it was
Speaker:really like messages asking for help because I needed
Speaker:it. I could not kind of be in this new
Speaker:phase of my life without the support of
Speaker:God or the guidance and direction. From God. So
Speaker:prayer number one. Okay. Um, number
Speaker:two. I was therapy. And so therapy came in the
Speaker:form of marriage counseling. so the
Speaker:way that happened, my husband and I, we ended up going to a
Speaker:marriage retreat. And the facilitator.
Speaker:I think we both were kind of drawn to him, maybe for different reasons.
Speaker:And we just started going to counseling sessions with
Speaker:him. Um, and then later on, we ended up joining his
Speaker:church, but when we were just going through the marriage counseling,
Speaker:This is where I was kind of exposed to this idea. Of
Speaker:experiencing grief as a new mom, He brought this up in our
Speaker:counseling. And it really just clicked for me there.
Speaker:And I encourage you all. To go to therapy, I
Speaker:know a lot of times we can feel like we are alone. Nobody
Speaker:understands what we're going through. And I don't know if I've mentioned this
Speaker:before. I've done therapy before. Outside of marriage counseling
Speaker:just for myself. And I have said before that if I did not go to
Speaker:therapy during that past season in my life, I don't
Speaker:know if I would be here. Okay. So I would encourage you to find a
Speaker:therapist that aligns with your values. And that's
Speaker:really that you feel comfortable with. Um,
Speaker:Again, That therapist that I ended up working with, she, wasn't the
Speaker:first therapist that I went to. So make sure you find somebody that you're comfortable
Speaker:with, and really just get the support that you need in that area.
Speaker:Okay. So there was prayer. There was therapy.
Speaker:Next thing was that I communicated my feelings to my
Speaker:husband. And so. Keeping my
Speaker:feelings bottle up. It was not helpful to
Speaker:anyone. It just caused more frustration.
Speaker:And resentment. And so however
Speaker:you're feeling, you know, if you have a partner or a spouse, I would be
Speaker:fully open and transparent about the things that you are feeling,
Speaker:the things that you are going through. The things that you are
Speaker:struggling with. As a mom and usually
Speaker:men they're fixers. And they're. They're like, what can I do? And
Speaker:I didn't have an answer when my husband asked me that he asked me, what
Speaker:can I do? I said, I don't know, but I'm just telling you, because
Speaker:this is why. I'm I'm.
Speaker:Feeling or acting this way. Right. And so it just kind of helped to
Speaker:ease the tension a bit. Um, the next
Speaker:thing that I focused on was my mindset.
Speaker:Okay. I said it's super important.
Speaker:And for me. This looked like, instead of focusing
Speaker:on what I could not do anymore. I started
Speaker:focusing on the impact that I could have in the
Speaker:life of my children. And I also started
Speaker:focusing on how I could incorporate them into new
Speaker:things and create new memories. and new experiences
Speaker:with my new family. Right. And so just having that
Speaker:shift in my thinking, not that I lost out on
Speaker:something. You know, it was, it was a loss. Right. We
Speaker:can accept that it was a loss. Because it was a life that I enjoyed,
Speaker:but just because that phase of life is over, does not mean
Speaker:that this new phase can not be something beautiful as well. All right.
Speaker:So my set was, a big thing that I, I, worked on.
Speaker:Um, the next thing that I worked on. And this is going to be the
Speaker:last thing in my list is self care. Right? So
Speaker:I needed to have some time away to myself.
Speaker:I needed time away from the kids. It's very hard to kind of
Speaker:regroup. And, just replenish and be your
Speaker:best self. If you don't have time to yourself at all.
Speaker:And so even if it was for a short period of time, I needed to
Speaker:get back to doing things. That I loved or things that I,
Speaker:I enjoy doing. Right. I could not have my entire.
Speaker:Uh, existence be around the children. And
Speaker:for a short period. It was. And so I needed to
Speaker:fix that so that I could feel like I still had my
Speaker:identity outside of the children. And so, you know, I started
Speaker:getting back to some of the things I enjoyed and I loved like reading.
Speaker:And now on the weekends, Part of my
Speaker:plan is to actually be outside of the house, doing these
Speaker:things. Um, because sometimes when you're in the house, it's still
Speaker:like, The kids still want to come around.
Speaker:So now I'm moving into this phase of being outside of the
Speaker:house, getting my breaks, doing things. Going to the library,
Speaker:browsing books, getting some work done without
Speaker:interruption. Right? So just self care, whatever that looks like for
Speaker:you. And I think I talk about this.
Speaker:I talk about it somewhere. And my content that self care. is not
Speaker:always, you know, The rest or
Speaker:the. the. external things like the manicures,
Speaker:pedicures, the massages. While those things are helpful. Self care
Speaker:also looks like dealing with. Your past
Speaker:traumas that are bleeding into your current life, right? It looks like really
Speaker:being honest with yourself. About why your
Speaker:reality is the way that it is and self care really looks
Speaker:like. Addressing just internal issues and
Speaker:internal chaos that you have. And sometimes it might not feel pretty,
Speaker:but once you address those issues, then. You're
Speaker:really able to just be a better version of yourself.
Speaker:And self care is really taking care of yourself internally and
Speaker:externally. Okay. So again, just to do a quick recap,
Speaker:um, the things that I did to kind of navigate new mom
Speaker:grief was number one, prayer. Number two therapy
Speaker:in the form of marriage counseling. Uh, number three, I
Speaker:communicated my feelings to my husband. Number four
Speaker:was mindset where. And number five
Speaker:self care. And so, like I said before, now I'm in a place where I
Speaker:can say to others, I see you, your feelings are valid. Things can
Speaker:change. And again, I'm not a professional practitioner, but I just wanted to
Speaker:share my journey. Since I'm encouragement and let you know
Speaker:that you are not alone. Okay. So if you are in this
Speaker:phase of navigating new mom grief, And you just want
Speaker:another person to chat with, feel free. Send me a message over on
Speaker:Instagram slide in my DMS, the last chat. And if you
Speaker:are looking for some guidance with creating and experiencing.
Speaker:work life harmony for yourself. Then I invite you
Speaker:to sign up for the harmony private podcast all right.
Speaker:Look forward to chatting with you on Instagram and I'll see you in the next
Speaker:episode. Thank you for listening to the Mom CEO Suite
Speaker:Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, can you do us a favor?
Speaker:Leave a review on iTunes and share with other moms in business
Speaker:like you. Help us spread our message and empower others who are
Speaker:at this intersection of motherhood and entrepreneurship.
